Drifting Away
by Dance Till Dawn
Summary: Post WKD, Skate. The place Kate held for Sawyer in her heart began to expand faster than she could've imagined. But a deadly turn of events has her hoping that he can forgive her in time to save her. From the forces of the island and from herself.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Okay, this will most likely be a 30-40 chapter fic. I'm a fan of one-shots, but I don't tend to write them very often. Updates will probably be 1-2 times a week, possibly more. (Keep in mind that the more you review, the happier I'll be. Good mood equals more updates. ;) ) The first few chapters are going to be setting down a foundation for the rest of the fic, so there's going to be quite some character development starting next chapter. But everything's going to tie in together with the events of "What Kate Did". So any character growth isproduced from the happenings of that episode.

I will try to leave the characters' pasts vague enough so that in the future I can add in anything that they may reveal on the show. But keep in mind that the actual events of new episodes will most likely not be included in this fic, because this takes off from WKD and a new plot is created from there.

Also, let me say this. I know that WKD left off with Michael at the computer. That will be addressed later, I'm not just going to leave it hanging.

Alright, the only thing to remember, is the easiest equation of all time (which I mentioned above)  
Reviews equalA Happy Author equals more updates. :) Thanks for reading.

* * *

Her body felt weak, and every so often her vision would blur. But Kate wouldn't let this get in the way of the task she meant to complete. 

Widening her eyes a few times just to make sure they stayed open, Kate placed the object in her backpack and stood.

She kept her pace quick, and avoided the stares of those she might pass. Ever since the incident where Sawyer had told them who she really was, the trust had vanished from their eyes.

Once back in the jungle, she sped up her pace even more. She tried to reason with herself that she'd only been gone a half hour, but she knew she shouldn't have left him in the first place.

Sawyer had just woken up, _from almost dying_, might she add, and she had just left him there.

Okay, not _just_ left him. Sawyer had assured her that he would be fine by himself, and told her to go get whatever it was she needed to get. And even though he appeared to be fine, Kate still wanted to get back as soon as she could. But along the way, she'd gotten too dizzy and had to rest.

That's what she got for being awake for more than 24 hours. But she'd spent that time by Sawyer's side, making sure he would wake up.

In fact, she had been terrified that he wouldn't.

The last time she'd been able to speak to him, well, she didn't think she'd ever see him again. Which should have been a blessing, she though at first. He had exposed her to everyone else. Told them the cold truth she had wanted to keep secret.

But when he had shown up the way he did, Kate had realized it was no blessing for him to leave at all.

_You need a haircut._

She smiled at the reply she had given him. That had been one reason for her smiling, yes. But she still couldn't get over the fact that he had actually opened his eyes. And she'd never been so thankful to see them.

She didn't want anymore death on the island. Especially not of someone she cared about.

On this thought, she made it to the airlock and opened the door. Stepping into the hallway, she began to take her backpack off. "Sawyer?"

She looked in on the room he was supposed to be resting in. "Sawyer?" No answer, and no Sawyer.

Turning around, she took in a quick breath of air when she almost ran into Locke. "Holy..."

"Heard you calling. I thought I'd let you know I heard the shower running earlier."

"He's in the _shower_?" She asked, eyes wide.

"Somethin' wrong with that?" Her head snapped to the side when she heard Sawyer's voice and she sighed, rolling her eyes slightly.

"You're supposed to be in bed."

"Sorry, _mom_, but I needed a shower."

"Sawyer..." She sighed, going forward and putting her arm around his waist as she had before. He sighed in an aggravated manner, trying to get the point across that he could walk on his own just fine, but all the same put his arm across her shoulder. Leading him back into the room, she gave Locke a thankful smile as the older man walked back toward his station at the computer.

As she helped him back down onto the bed, she gave him a disapproving look. "You really should have waited for some help."

"Is that an offer, sweetheart?" She didn't take the bait, just continued to stare at him, hands lightly placed on her hips.

"No," she told him, finally smiling and rolling her eyes a little. "But I'm sure we could've gotten _Jack_ in here to help you out."

He glared at her, and she continued to smile. "You have a death wish, Freckles?"

She laughed a little and sat down in the chair that had already been placed next to the bed. "Was kidding," she assured him, relaxing and setting her bag next to her. "But I don't want you back out of bed until he says you can be," she told him, a serious look in her eyes.

He sighed dramatically. "It was nothin', alright? A bit of a misfortune, sure, but I'm not _dead_."

She kept an even look. "You almost _were_." A hint of confusion entered his face when he noticed a look of - was that concern? - enter her eyes. "Sawyer, please, just stay in here? I know that actually listening to what someone asks you to do isn't your thing, but it'd make me feel better."

Sawyer smirked a little at that. "Is that so?"

She didn't roll her eyes, just kept an even look. "Yeah," she replied. "That's _so_."

"Well, alright, then," he told her, leaning back some more. "I'm not movin' 'til the good doctor pats me on the head and sends me away." The last part was said somewhat sarcastically, but she was still grateful that he wasn't going to be up and moving yet. The last thing he needed was for something else to go wrong.

"Thank you," she told him, the smile back on her face. "You hungry?"

"Well, when I woke up and saw I was in a damn bunk bed, I was hopin' for a burger. So excuse me that I ain't got an appetite for berries and grass."

She chuckled a little at that, and he smiled back. "What've you got?" He asked Kate.

"Well, fruit," she told him, which made him sigh. "...And a surprise."

"A surprise?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, I-" She was cut off as the sound of a loud beep cut her off.

"What the hell..." Sawyer muttered.

The computer, she thought with a sigh. The short noise repeated itself every few seconds, and she waited for Locke to type in the numbers so she could finish her conversation with Sawyer.

When the sound ceased, Kate sighed and turned back to him. "What was _that_?" He asked.

"That...actually, we're not sure."

"You ain't _sure_?" He questioned incredulously.

"Well, it's kind of a long story."

As she explained to him what they knew about it, he stared at her as if she'd gone completely insane.

"Freckles, you tryin' to tell me that you push a damn _button_ when this piece-of-shit computer starts to beep? And you don't even know _why_?"

"No. We aren't really wanting to find out."

He rolled his eyes. "I bet," he muttered. "Hope you ain't expectin' _me_ to sit in front of that just waitin' to press a button."

Kate rolled her eyes, but still smiled. "Wouldn't even think ofit, Sawyer," she told him with a sigh. He smirked slightly at that and shrugged.

"...About my surprise?"

Kate grinned at that, and reached for her bag. "Yeah," she said, grinning. "Close your eyes."

Sawyer eyed her suspiciously. "Ain't no way in hell I'm gonna-"

"Sawyer, close your eyes," she said again. "Or no surprise."

He rolled his eyes, and then closed them with a heavy sigh. Of course, she'd gotten him curious now, but he wouldn't let her know that.

He heard something rustling, a short popping noise, and then she told him to open his mouth. He didn't, obviously still not trusting her.

"Sawyer, open your mouth," she told him, laughing slightly. Finally, he complied. She placed something inside his mouth, and slowly he bit down when she told him to. He kept his eyes closed, letting the taste settle in his mouth.

"Are those..." He started off, his voice disbelieving. Opening his eyes, he stared at the bag she held up.

"Chips," she answered with a grin. She handed over the rest of the bag, and he stared at it with wide eyes. But it didn't take him long to reach in for another and place it in his mouth.

"Chips," he repeated with a bewildered tone, looking at her. "How the hell did you get _chips_, Freckles?"

She smiled. "This place had some supplies when we first got in here. Food. Hurley thought it'd be best if he just handed it out. Like a Thanksgiving type of thing. We each got a couple of things. I saved those."

"So you didn't expect the raft to work?" He asked, eyebrow raised, and she looked confused at this.

"What?"

"Well, if you saved these, then you must have expected we'd be back."

Understanding, she smiled and shook her head. "Don't flatter yourself, Sawyer," she said with a grin. "I saved them for me. But you got back before I had the chance to eat them. I was just being nice."

He shook his head, but with a slight smile.

She felt the dizziness stir inside her again, and she widened her eyes once and shook her head slightly to keep from passing out.

"You alright?" Sawyer asked. The question startled her, since she thought he hadn't seen. She smiled slightly, and nodded.

"Very tired," she explained. "Which, by the way, is your fault."

"_My_ fault?"

"Yeah. You're the guy who was on his death bed," she reminded him. "I haven't gotten any sleep since you got back."

He glared at her, but it lost its affect because of the softening in his eyes. "You stayed here the whole time?" He asked sarcastically to cover up how much this affected him.

"Well, yeah," she said, looking down slightly with a smile. "Jack told me I should get some rest. I tried to sleep here," she said, indicating the chair. "But..." She trailed off, narrowing her eyes at him because she knew that he would make a sarcastic remark when she finished her statement.

However, Sawyer guessed what she was going to say. "You were worried?" Upon her look, he chuckled slightly. "Gotta say, Freckles, I'm touched."

She shook her head at him, enjoying the conversation she was having with him, probably for the first time. Because of his past, Sawyer was easy to talk to, but one of them always seemed to say the wrong thing when they were around each other.

She knew that whatever it was keeping them friendly toward each other would probably dissipate soon. After all, they still had a lot to talk about. She planned to start by kicking his ass for revealing her identity to the rest of the survivors. Even though she understood why he'd done it, it still hurt.

The air had cleared a little when they had said goodbye that night, but not nearly enough.

She'd realized that when the raft had taken off and she thought she'd never see him again.

"You really should get some sleep," he told her in a lazy tone, but still looked a little concerned. Then he smirked.

"You know, I wouldn't mind you stayin' here." He patted the spot next to him on the bed. "Plenty of room for two to sleep comfortably."

She shook her head, rolling her eyes. "No," she told him, and he sighed in disappointment. "The chair is fine," she assured him.

He looked back up, obviously not completely happy, but glad that she'd at least be in the room. "You sure 'bout that, Freckles?" He asked again.

She sighed, regarding him for a moment. "I tell you what," she started. "You leave the offer open, and I'll consider it," she told him, and he raised an eyebrow in surprise. "As long as you understand that it's only _sleeping_."

"Damn," he muttered, though with a grin to show he was kidding. He paused for a moment. "Offer stays open," he assured her.

"It's not a promise," she told him, standing up. "It's me saying that I may get too uncomfortable in that chair."

He put another chip in his mouth and shook his head a little. "Whatever you say, sweetheart." She rolled her eyes a little, and started toward the door. "Hey, where'ya goin'?"

She sighed, turning back to him after a moment. "I need to go talk to Jack before I go to sleep," she told him, and she saw the good mood leave his eyes.

"Right. Give him his good-night kiss and all."

"Sawyer..." She said with a sigh. "I swear, I just need to talk to him about something and I'll be right back."

He didn't reply, which made her a little more frustrated. But she forced herself to remain calm and tried to just be thankful that he was actually alive to make these kind of comments. "It's not _his_ bed I'll be sleeping by tonight, is it?" Kate asked him finally, the slight frustration showing through in her voice as she tried to remain calm, and without waiting for a reply, turned and headed out of the room.

Once she was gone, Sawyer smiled to himself, getting a little more comfortable. "No, Freckles, I guess it ain't," he said to the empty room.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Wow, you guys. I was _completely_ amazed with the response I got for this fic! You guys are wonderful, and I'm sorry I couldn't get this up sooner! I kind of had an emergency doctor visit, but all is well. But once again, thank you guys so much!

Okay, there isn't a lot of Kate/Sawyer interaction in this chapter. But this is a big chapter for Kate, because I used to incidents of What Kate Did to kind of force Kate to face a lot of things. So there's some definite growth as far as Kate's character goes in this chapter. The next chapter is going to be all Kate/Sawyer to make up for the small amount in this one. I know I only updated once this past week, but I have the next chapter mostly written. So, if you're generous with the reviews again wink I promise to update before the weekend is over, probably sometime Saturday morning. Thanks for reading!

**-----**

Gold and orange streaked across the sky as the sun began to set over the ocean. The beauty of the island could never mask the true danger. Not to Kate. What hid in the jungle always seemed to be at the edge of her mind, reminding her of the dangers they all still faced.

Letting her eyes stray to the sunset for a moment longer, she stepped fully out onto the beach and looked around.

Despite the tragic events of the past few weeks, everyone seemed to have fallen back into their absent-minded schedules.

But as her eyes scanned the beach, she didn't see the man she'd come to speak with. Her eyes, however, landed on Sayid.

He was sitting alone, near the fire, his eyes trained on the flame and refusing to blink. Cautiously, she walked over to him.

"Sayid?"

He looked up sharply, as if she were encroaching on his territory, but said nothing. "Have you seen Jack?" Kate asked after a moment of silence, finding his empty gaze more intense than that of any FBI agent.

"The last time I heard from him, he was going to the caves to bring some water back."

Kate nodded her thanks, and began to walk away. A step into her departure, and she stopped, closing her eyes for a minute. She couldn't just _leave_.

Turning back around, Kate sighed softly. "Sayid...are you okay?" She instantly rolled her eyes at herself. "Okay, stupid question." She paused as he continued to only stare at her. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Kate," he said with a sigh, some of his pent up anger rising, even though he didn't mean for it to be directed at her. "I don't want your-"

"This isn't about pity, Sayid," she said firmly, meeting his gaze evenly. "I know..." Closing her eyes for a moment, Kate gulped back some of her emotions. With a heavy sigh meant to calm her edgy nerves, she sat down near the fire.

He stared at her, wondering what she was doing as she let the silence wash over them both, staring at the blazing flames. Finally, when it seemed she wouldn't say anything, she spoke.

"I know what it's like," she finally said.

God, she was opening up to someone she barely knew. But he needed reassurance, and right now, she wasn't sure there was anyone else on the island who could give it to him. Besides, she reasoned with herself, she wouldn't actually have to tell him about her past. She would give vague details to let him know she understood his pain. And even though it killed her to even do that much, it was something he needed.

And maybe she needed it too.

"To lose someone you care that much about," she continued. "And I know what it's like to think that it's your fault."

"I should have stopped her," Sayid said evenly, refusing to let her talk him out of the remorse he felt over Shannon's death.

"Ana had a _gun_," Kate told him, finally moving her gaze from the fire to stare at him. "It was a mistake. Neither of them knew what was happening. And for that matter, you didn't either. There wasn't anything you could have done."

"You have no-"

"Sayid," she said firmly, cutting him off and shaking her head. "You can't...you can't do this to yourself. You have to let go of the guilt. Completely. You'll still grieve, and you _should_. Because that's what we do when we lose those we love. But Shannon wouldn't want you thinking it was your fault."

He didn't say anything to that, simply turned and stared straight forward again as the fire continued to warm his skin. Finally, he turned back to her.

"What about the person you lost?" He questioned. "The one whose death you blame yourself for. Did you let go of the guilt?" It was a challenge; she could see it in his eyes. He wanted to catch her in her hypocritical lecture on grief, and he was firing with the only ammunition he had.

"I'm the only person there is to blame," she told him, but she couldn't help from hesitating. Tom had cared about her. Would Tom want _her_ blaming _her_self? Despite the debate she was having within herself, she kept her conviction in her tone. "There was no one with a gun. No unpredicted circumstances. Just me. And I put his life in danger to save myself." She stopped for a moment and stood up to brush the sand off of her. "But this...This isn't something _you _did. And Shannon would want you to know that." With one last look, she headed off in the other direction as Jack came into view.

She pushed her inner turmoil to the back of her mind, deciding that she could internally debate about whether or not she was responsible for Tom's death later.

"Jack!" She called, catching his attention. He turned toward her, eyebrows raised in question.

She jogged the rest of the way over to him and greeted him with a nod. "Sawyer's awake," she told him. So far, so good. This is how she had planned to start the conversation.

"Alright, just make sure he takes the antibiotics tonight, and I'll check on him in the morning." He looked like he wanted to dismiss the subject of Sawyer altogether, but the doctor in him was taking over the conversation.

"Okay," she replied with a grateful smile. But now she found herself in the midst of a very uncomfortable silence. Damn.

She knew what she wanted to say, but couldn't find the words or courage to get them out. She opened her mouth once or twice, wanting to get out the things she needed to say, but eventually just shut her mouth with a sigh. Nodding once more, she turned around in defeat.

"Kate." The way he had said her name made her freeze. He knew why she was there. "Is there anything else you came to me for?"

Closing her eyes to find strength, she turned around and stared at him, nodding slightly. "Yeah. There is." But still, she couldn't bring herself to say it. Everything she had planned to set straight tonight was at the tip of her tongue, but nothing would come out.

"Is this..." He paused, obviously uncomfortable himself as he tried to find his own strength. "Is this about what happened earlier in the jungle...the kiss?"

She looked down when he said it but nodded her head. "Yeah," she replied, looking back up. "I just...some things happened today, Jack. I felt like I was going crazy, and everything from my past chose _today_ to come back and haunt me." _Literally_. "I...God, I don't even know where to start."

"How about we start with what happened today?" He seemed on edge, and she couldn't blame him, but she could also tell he was controlling himself well.

"Yeah, that's fair," she mumbled, running a hand through her hair, idly making the note that she could use another shower later. "Jack...you know that I care about you, right?"

He didn't reply, just stared at her, obviously bracing himself for whatever was coming next. Slightly irritated with his lake of response, she sighed and took a few steps away, then turned to look at him. "I came to terms with something pretty big today, Jack. I wouldn't say I'm forgiving myself, because that's a long way off. But I understood something that I've needed to understand for a long time." She looked at him, taking a deep breath.

"I'm not my father," she said finally, knowing that he wouldn't know why this was such a big thing for her, but she needed this out in the open. "I ran away for so long. Not just physically running from the cops, but mentally, emotionally...I ran. I blocked my past out, and I didn't want to come to face it or come to terms with it. Because I was so _terrified_ that I would learn something about myself that I didn't like. That I would prove to myself that I was no better than my father."

He waited patiently, and for that, she was grateful.

"But I'm not him. I may have his DNA, but I'm not him."

"Is he the man you killed?" Jack asked finally, but there wasn't any accusation in his tone, only curiosity, the want to understand.

Kate bit her tongue slightly. Why on earth was she letting so many things about herself known today? Okay, not a lot, she told herself. But more than she ever wanted anyone to know.

"He was," she said finally, and then continued from where she left. "I'm a murderer. But I'm still nothing like him. I did what I did because I wanted to protect my mother, because I hated him for being a part of me. I hate _myself_ for the pain I've caused people. I do. And, yeah, maybe if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it differently. But none of that matters. Because I know that I'm not him."

Jack stayed quiet for a long time, obviously debating over what he should say next. "So, what does this have to do with what happened in the jungle today?" He asked.

"Everything." Her reply caused him to raise his eyebrows, and she sighed, running a hand nervously through her hair again. "When you ran into me earlier...I was still going out of my mind, Jack. I was reminded of my father...and it made me think of how _wrong_ I was just for being his daughter. And...Jack, ever since we've landed here, I _wanted_ to love you," she told him. "You're everything that I thought would make me happy. And I _wanted_ to have that with you." Tears were making themselves known now, and her voice was beginning to crack.

"Because you do everything right, and I'm so irreversibly screwed up. A-and I thought that if you could love me, and I could love you, then that meant I was forgiven. Because I'd finally been given something good. But I..." This was the harder part. "I couldn't, Jack," she said finally, tears freely spilling now. Tears for her, because she felt like she was going to lose something, even though she knew it wasn't really what she wanted; and tears for him, because she knew that this was going to hurt him. "I care about you as a friend, but no matter how much I wanted to, I can't...I don't feel like that for you. And it confused the hell out of me, because it's what I _thought_ I wanted."

She paused, wiping at her eyes, and calming down only slightly. "I kissed you because I thought I could make something happen. I wanted to prove to myself that I could feel something for you."

He was restraining himself from saying a million things, and kept his tone calm, but pained. "And you can't?"

She looked down, wiping at her eyes again. "I can't," she whispered. "Not more than what we already have."

He wasn't easily restraining himself anymore. "But you can love Sawyer?" He asked bluntly, the hurt obvious in his voice.

She looked up sharply. She cared for Sawyer, and yes, he was part of the reason she was here. But, honestly, the "L" word hadn't crossed her mind. Love was another thing she desperately tried to block from her mind.

But instead of getting into a debate about specific terms, and whether to use "like" or "love," she sighed.

"How could you and I ever work Jack? If we ever do get off this island, I'm sure as hell not turning myself in. I'll be on the run again."

"That wasn't my question, Kate," he said loudly, but not quite a yell, as his pain finally turned to anger as a way to be vented out.

"Maybe I could love him," she bit back, her own voice louder than necessary, and the answer caused them both to silence for a moment. "Sawyer understands me," she said quietly after a moment. "I know you don't like him, but, Jack...he and I are more alike than you think. I don't understand why you don't see it." She finished quietly, the conversation already draining her.

"You already feel something for him." It wasn't a question. "That's why you kissed me today, too, isn't it? You feel something for Sawyer. Something you weren't planning on feeling for him."

She didn't answer, but her look was enough for him to know he was right. "And it scares you," he continued, his voice bitter now. "Because you know he'll hurt you."

"Jack-"

"This is Sawyer, Kate," he interrupted. "He understands you now, and cares about you now, but what about when we get off the island? How much is he going to care then?"

She felt her own anger building up, but refused to use that anger to hurt him. "There's a lot you don't know about him, Jack."

The statement caused another long silence as they both tried to get control of themselves.

Finally, Kate spoke. "This isn't how I wanted all this to come out," she said quietly. "I just...I needed you to know that there can't..there can't be anything with us. You deserved that much. I'm sorry," she finished softly.

He didn't reply, just nodded, though she could still see traces of bitterness, hurt, and anger in his eyes.

"Please don't hate me, Jack. What I was doing...this back and forth between you and Sawyer...it wasn't fair to any of us."

"Yeah, well, at least you made your choice, right?" He questioned, pain obvious behind his anger.

"It wasn't like that," she told him. "But it wasn't fair for me to be selfish about this when we both know there couldn't be anything between us. Even if I _did_ feel something more for you...my past would come back to haunt us both." When he didn't reply, she sighed deeply and turned away. With shaky steps, she started to walk away, but the sound of Jack softly saying her named caused her to stop.

"I don't hate you," he told her after a moment. "Just...give me time." Without looking at him, she knew that it was killing him to even give her that much. But she was grateful.

"Thank you," she said softly.

-----

Once back inside the hatch, she was greeted with a nod from Hurley as he was beginning to make his way back to the computer. "Oh, Kate," he said suddenly as he remembered something. She stopped on her path to Sawyer's room and turned back to him. "Have you seen Michael?"

"No, why? Is something wrong?"

Hurley shrugged. "Locke said the last time they saw him, he was checking out the computer. Then he was, like, just...gone."

"Maybe he's at the caves," she offered.

"Yeah, maybe. Locke said he's going to check it out." Kate nodded and they both stood in silence for a moment. "So, uh, good luck with your injured cowboy," Hurley told her flatly, as if he held sympathy for her. She smiled at that, and shook her head.

"Good luck with your button," she replied, then turned from him once more.

As she quietly made her way back into the room where Sawyer was resting, she realized how hard taking care of him was going to be.

He was only sleeping. But he looked exactly the same while he was sleeping as he did when he was unconscious and about to die.

Biting her lip, she sat down on the edge of the bed. Her eyes scanned over him to make sure nothing was wrong, her ears picked up on the steady rhythm of his breathing, and all signs showed that he was only sleeping.

But it wasn't enough.

"Sawyer?" She whispered. When he didn't even stir slightly, she sighed, shaking him a little. "Sawyer?"

"Damn it, Freckles," he muttered, only half awake. "Can't a guy get some sleep?" He sleepily opened his eyes and looked up at her.

"Sorry," she told him. "I just..." She trailed off, then shook her head. "You need to take some more antibiotics anyway."

As she busied herself with that chore, and then took the glass of water once he was done, she sat back down on the edge of the bed.

She could tell he was tired, and she had to smile at how hard he was trying to stay awake. "Go to sleep, Sawyer," she told him. "I'll be right here if you need anything."

"Anything?" He asked with tired smirk, and she rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Can you think about anything else?"

"Probably not."

She shook her head and then watched as his eyes closed once again.

And this time, she took comfort in the soft rise and fall of his chest and regulated breathing that signaled his rest.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Let me start by telling you guys how sorry I am. I _never_ ever wait this long between updates. You guys have been great with your reviews. I was going to update, but someone whom I was very close to died. I tried to get on a few times, but it's been rough. I thank you for being so patient, even though I know you were really wanting this chapter.

If you guys could just keep my family in your prayers, it would be appreciated. :)

My midterm exams are next week, but I'll be updating at least once.

* * *

After she was sure Sawyer was resting, Kate dragged herself to the shower.

It had been nearly two days without sleep for her now, but she really felt like she needed to get clean.

The water warmed her skin as it fell over her, letting her aching muscles find a moment of peace. As she rinsed the last few suds from her hair, she simply stood under the soft spray with her eyes closed for a moment.

And without even knowing where they were coming from, she felt the tears behind her eyes and the lump in her throat. Before she knew it, soft, nearly silent sobs overwhelmed her and caused her to shake.

Needing support, she braced herself against the wall, letting the water mingle with the tears that slipped through the corners of her closed eyes.

At first, she didn't understand why the sadness had overwhelmed her so fast, or what had caused it all. But as the moments wore on, her silenced cries never ceasing, everything began to piece itself together in her head.

Without a doubt, she had been responsible for her best friend's death. There was no one else to blame, nothing she could say to make it any less her fault.

But maybe the key was forgiveness. Maybe it _was_ time to let the guilt go. She had known Tom well. He wouldn't want her to carry around the guilt like she did. Maybe it really was time for her to forgive herself and move on from it. She could beat herself up for it until the end of time, but she would never get anywhere. In all honesty, she knew it would drive her insane.

She cried for Tom, but not for the same reasons she had before. She cried because she realized that he would have forgiven her, and that meant she could forgive herself.

And she cried for her mother. She cried because in trying to protect her, she had taken away the man her mother had loved. She cried because she wanted nothing more than to have just a few more minutes with the woman to beg her to understand.

She cried because she had gone so long thinking that she could never be anything more than what Wayne had been. And mixed with the tears of sadness were tears of relief. Because she knew that she had been wrong.

And she cried for Jack. She had been clouded with the idea that if she had him, if she could _love_ him, then things would be right. And she had desperately tried to make herself believe something could happen. And with the realization that it couldn't, she cried some more. But mostly, she cried because she realized she was _relieved_ that she couldn't feel anything for him.

And then she cried for Sawyer. When her thoughts traveled toward him, her silenced tears turned to louder sobs, though she desperately tried to calm them. She cried because of the way things had been left between them the night before they set off. And because she had never said goodbye when the three of them had left on the raft.

But mostly, she cried because she had nearly lost him. And not until this moment did she realize how much that would have killed her. The thought terrified her that he might not have woken up.

And finally, she cried because she loved a man who would probably never love her back. And the "L" word entered her mind and formed the thought before she could stop it. And with the realization that she did in fact love him, something she almost didn't want to believe, she cried harder. Sawyer flirted with her, sure. But he also hated her most of the time. How could she have fallen for a man who could never love her back? And without ever realizing that it was happening?

As the sound of her sobs increased, she slammed her fist against the wall, hoping for some sort of release. When it did nothing but bring blood to the surface, slowly dripping down to mix with the water, she cried harder. Because the movement alone made her feel helpless and weak.

Turning around, she put her back against the wall and slid down to the floor. The water barely had any warmth left, and her skin began to chill; however, she hardly noticed. With her head against the wall, her slightly injured hand resting on the floor, Kate continued to cry.

For every reason she had ever kept her tears hidden, Kate cried.

----

She didn't know how long she had sat there like that. But the water had long turned icy, and the blood on her knuckles had dried. Quickly getting dressed and towel drying her hair, Kate hoped that her eyes weren't too red or puffy, though she knew that it would be impossible for them not to be.

Kate walked into the room with the computer and looked over at Locke and the the other man whom she had yet to learn the name of. They both looked up, and Locke tilted his head slightly.

"Kate, are you alright?"

Sniffing slightly, she nodded, looking away. "Yeah, I'm fine." She narrowed her eyes slightly. "Haven't you already had a shift today?"

"I gave Hugo a break; he seemed tired."

"Right," she mumbled, seeming distracted. "Has Sawyer been okay? I...I didn't mean to be in the shower that long."

"I checked on him a few times, and he's fine," Locke assured her.

"Thanks." She was about to turn around when she remembered something. "Oh, have you heard anything from Michael? Hurley said you guys couldn't find him."

"Yes. As a matter of fact, he was out in the jungle, getting some supplies. I caught him when he came back to the caves to pick up some things."

"Supplies?"

"He said something happened that made him believe Walt was alive and well. Wanted to take off after him."

"Well, you didn't actually let him go, did you?"

"It was his choice," Locke said calmly.

Kate stared at him disbelievingly.

"Don't worry, Kate, he'll be fine," Locke said with that assuring, but not so much, smile of his. "Jack made him promise to be back by noon tomorrow at the latest, since Michael refused to let anyone go with him."

Still letting the information sink in, Kate nodded and turned, heading back to Sawyer's room. As quietly as she could, she made her way through the darkened room and sat down on the chair next to the bed.

He was sleeping with a peaceful look on his face that she was ever-thankful for. He always looked so angry, pained, sarcastic, or closed off. To see a look of complete calm on his face was like seeing a man she'd never met before.

She couldn't quite explained what had happened in the shower. But she knew that things within herself had changed, and nothing would be the same anymore. She felt weighed down yet so relieved at the same time.

And since her realization in the shower about her love for Sawyer, she had a hard time forming more than a single thought per minute. Everything just seemed to be moving so fast yet so slow at the same time.

She felt like she had so many things to say to him, but hadn't the strength to do so.

"Sawyer?" She whispered, hoping he wouldn't reply. She repeated his name once more and relaxed with the knowledge that he was asleep. But for a long time, she simply sat and stared at him in the darkness.

"I just needed to say a few things," she whispered, the fear of waking him up keeping her quiet. "But I'm not strong enough yet, not to say them to you when you can actually hear." She would've laughed at that, but she felt too drained. "Sawyer..." Closing her eyes, she tried to gather her thoughts once more. "I'm so sorry," she said finally, emotion clouding her tone, but she was fairly sure that she couldn't cry even if she wanted to. "I'm sorry for trying to take your spot on the raft," she continued. "I'm sorry that I didn't say goodbye. I wanted to, and I didn't get there in time. And I'm sorry that you were hurt and all I could think about was how selfish you were to leave me alone here."

She stopped there, putting her head in her hands and squeezing her eyes tightly. "Because if you...if you were gone, there wouldn't be anyone else, Sawyer. There wouldn't be anyone else who could make me feel like I wasn't completely alone." This time, a small laugh did escape her, though it was mostly empty and void of any emotion. She sat up straight again. "God, listen to me. Having a heart-to-heart. If you were awake you'd probably laugh at me. And then make some comment about how you'd forgive me if I slept with you." She rolled her eyes at that, but smiled a little. "I'm sorry, Sawyer," she whispered again. "And when I finally get the courage to say this to you...please forgive me," she said with so much vulnerability, that no one would have guessed it was Kate saying it. Leaning forward, without thinking much of it, she placed a soft kiss on his forehead and then brushed some hair away from his face.

He stirred slightly, but didn't wake. With one last glance, she rested her head on the edge of the bed, still sitting in the chair, and for the first time in two days, let herself find rest.

----

She wasn't exactly aware of what was happening, or what had pulled her from her sleeping state. But Kate was trying to ease the haziness from her eyes and get a hold on reality.

"Kate," a voice called to her. It seemed familiar, but at the moment she couldn't place who it was.

Her vision began to clear, but her heart continued to thump loudly in her ears. And she was aware only of the pure terror racing through her veins and the tears on her cheeks.

"Kate!" Sawyer's loud voice finally managed to completely pull her from her sleep and Kate jerked awake. For a few moments, she struggled and cried silently as if trying to get away. "Kate, it's me."

Even after he'd made that clear, she continued to struggle for a few more moments until she finally sat up completely and calmed down.

Looking around frantically, her eyes finally landed on Sawyer.

"Wha...what?"

"Well, hell," he said, eyes slightly wide with an exasperated tone. "Why don't you tell me, Freckles? I've been tryin' to shake you awake since you started screamin' five minutes ago."

After giving him a strange look, she closed her eyes to try and remember what had scared her so much. Whatever the dream had been, it still had her shaking. But for the life of her, she couldn't remember anything at all.

All that she could sense, was that the dream hadn't been anything good, which went wihtout saying.

Blinking, as if the action alone would help to soothe her fears, Kate didn't say another word as she shakily climbed into the bed next to Sawyer.

And he said nothing as he held her there, hoping to keep her safe from the very things that haunted her nights.

----

When she finally opened her eyes again, she was very conscious of several things. She felt rested for the first time in a long time, she hadn't just woken from a bad dream, and she was alone.

Sitting up, she looked around and felt his pillow, confused by the lack of body heat. He had been gone for quite a while.

It only took her a minute to get dressed and head out into the main room of the hatch. As her luck would be, Jack was taking a shift with the button. He looked up at her with an almost closed off look.

Not wanting to deepen any of his fresh wounds, she decided to keep the conversation short. "How long was I out?"

"It's sometime after noon," Jack told her, getting more uncomfortable with each second, but trying to control whatever it was he really wanted to say. "Sawyer's out on the beach."

"He's _what_?"

"I looked him over this morning," Jack explained. "If he keeps taking the antibiotics and tries to keep things light for the next week or so, he'll be fine."

She opened her mouth to make him insist that Sawyer would be fine, but she realized that the longer she went on about Sawyer's wellbeing, the more she would hurt Jack. Nodding her goodbye, she made her way out of the hatch.

----

"You could have at least tried to wake me up." Kate's mock-irritated voice traveled to his ears, and Sawyer grinned as he looked up to see her stop in front of him.

"And risk another nightmare-induced thrashin'? Didn' think so, Freckles. I was getting the hell outta there." She rolled her eyes a little, but smiled. "Damn, I figured you could use the shut eye," he said finally, sighing a little.

"Well, it's appreciated," she said, slowly sitting down a few feet away from him. "I can't remember the last time I got that much sleep."

He was silent for a moment, like he wanted to say something. Finally, he opened his mouth. "So you were alright, then? After your little scare last night, things calmed down?" She was touched by his concern, and smiled softly to herself.

"Yeah," she finally answered and looked back to him. "And you? How's the battle wound?"

"Itches like a bitch," he said with a grin. "But I'm breathing, ain't I?"

"Lucky me," she replied sarcastically.

"So that's how it is now?" He questioned with a raised eyebrow. When she only smiled, he placed his hand on his chest. "That hurts, Freckles."

"Sorry," she told him, sounding sincere. "I forgot that you couldn't take it."

He only shook his head in mock annoyance and they both shared a comfortable moment of silence.

Sawyer had been wondering why she was still here instead of running off and doing her own thing as she usually did. So after a long silence, he sighed and turned to her.

"Freckles, don't you have a doctor who's in dire need of your company?" She rolled her eyes at his sarcastic tone which barely masked his jealousy.

Looking at him, she smiled and shook her head. "If it's alright with you, I'm enjoying the view just fine from here."

After a long look, she turned her eyes back toward the ocean.


End file.
